


Dreamy Cocktail

by AlwaysACuteMess



Category: Skyhill (Band), The Northern Hues (Band)
Genre: AIM chats, College AU, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-07 11:15:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11057796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysACuteMess/pseuds/AlwaysACuteMess
Summary: Dan went away to fix himself. Now he's back and better than ever. And he's apparently got a lot on his mind.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm very sick right now and Emily Is Away Too made me very nostalgic for the good ol' AIM days. Man I miss AIM a lot. I'm just fucking around though as usual so this like many other things, who knows what will become of it. Enjoy anyway though!

Pretending to study wasn’t studying, but that’s where you found yourself. Pretending to write your paper wasn’t going to get the paper done, but you weren’t doing it anyway. Your mind was a million miles away, nothing really keeping you drifting from one half baked idea to the next. Your roommates were out partying, the usual. They’d invited you but you’d declined, also very usual. They’d all find themselves in someone else’s dorm for the evening, which left you alone in the peace and quiet. Where you were supposed to be doing any number of school activities under the threat of flunking out, but you just couldn’t make it happen.

Staring at the water stained ceiling came to an abrupt end when the creak of an online door came in over your speakers. Your eyes drifted to the buddy list on the left of your desktop, and a familiar name came back from the dead. From blurred grey to filled in black. For a moment you’d thought you may have slipped into a hazy daydream.

Without thinking on it for too long, you sat forward, gathering your mouse underneath your palm and double clicking on that wonderfully silly username to open his chatbox. It was a serene sense of refreshing that you didn’t have to linger on what to say.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Hey! You didn’t die!

Your AIM name was a terribly romantic one. Lyrics off Savage Garden’s I Knew I Loved You, something you’d made when you were more romantically inspired. That wasn’t the case most days anymore. But you’d still kept it. Because changing it had proved too much of a hassle. Most people knew this one, and everything else good was taken besides.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Hey, I totally didn’t!  Nice to hear from you.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Thanks for letting me know you when were coming back. Super cool of you.

Dan had had a lot on his plate when he’d taken off to France. He just hadn’t been happy. You’d given him the best well wishes you could as his friend and then just heard absolutely nothing from him for an entire semester. You couldn’t have imagined Europe didn’t have internet, so why the silence? The time zones could have gotten worked out. You would have stayed up to talk. But he had ventured out on his own and he’d seemed keen to keep it that way. Right up until he’d just waltzed right back on into campus, apparently.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Sorry about that.  I only just got in.  I’m actually really tired but not at the same time, you know?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** That good of a trip?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Oh, totally.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Glad to hear it, Danny. :)  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Thanks.  :)

You couldn’t keep yourself from smiling. It was a little silly, there was nothing more you’d like to do than walk upstairs to his dorm where he’d be in some beat up band shirt and his boxers no doubt, and give him a hug. But this was nice, too. It had been a really long time since he’d been like this. France really must have done him every kindness in the world. It really made your heart swell. You were happy for him.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** So did you bring back any credits?

You couldn’t remember exactly what he’d gone there to study, something about flowers. But he hadn’t really been going to learn about anything but himself. Still, if he could have managed to-

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Haha!  No.  Failed the fuck out of both classes with a literal zero percent.  The professors were cool about it, though.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Proud of you, champ.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Aw stop, you’re gonna make me blush!

Dan hadn’t really ever been serious about school. Even as a kid, if all his late-night-stoner-stories held any water. Sitting in class being bored to death about things he cared very little for was just not quite his style. Was it anyone’s? But he really didn’t take any of it seriously. College the least of which. How he’d earned any credits this far was beyond comprehension with his penchant for heavy pot smoking and generally not giving a damn. You felt for him, though. When he’d bounced out of his core classes for a paleontology degree he was never going to get, he settled on advertising and business. Neither of which suited him, but he wasn’t allowed to do the one thing he really wanted to.

Music.  
All he wanted to do was music. But instead he was stuck sitting in classrooms listening to things he didn’t care about- at least a quarter of the time. The rest of the time he was either baked or depressed. But you’d hoped really hard this trip had cured at least the latter of those problems.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** I don’t wanna bring the mood down buuut... are you feeling better?

That was such a small way to put what he’d been going through. ‘Feeling better’ didn’t come close to the sort of healing he’d needed. You didn’t know how else to ask, though. And you also weren’t sure if he wanted to talk about it. Watching the typing alert on the bottom of the box made you very nervous all of a sudden. The chime nearly made you jump out of your seat when he finally responded.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Yeah.  Totally.  I had a real moment out there, you know?  I actually threw my pills in a lake.  That’s how REAL it was.  But it feels like everything’s gonna be alright for the first time in a while.  I’ll figure shit out and get my degree and then I’m going right into music.  I’ve made up my mind.  I don’t care if I don’t have anyone’s support and I don’t care if it’s really hard.  I’m gonna do it.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Aw, Dan, I’m really happy to hear that. And you have my support! Always.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** I’m gonna fucking printscreen this chat and frame it on my wall.  That way when you don’t wanna buy a tenth copy of my CD, I’ll be able to wave it in your face!  
**DreamedIntoLife:** LOL I’ll sign it for you! I’m serious. I’ll always have your back. Whether that’s buying ten CDs or twenty.

There was a sudden lull brought on by his typing and then deleting something. Briefly you wondered if you’d somehow upset him, but that wasn’t likely. Dan was as chill as they came. But then what could the problem be? Perhaps he was spellchecking something. Or-

 **MazelTovCocktail:** It really means the world to hear you say that.

He’d been wondering if it was appropriate to get serious, it seemed. And he’d decided so. You could almost hear the warmth in his voice, the way he’d have spoken it to you if you’d been sitting next to him on his couch. Now it was your turn to blush. As well as not know how to respond for a few seconds.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Yeah, well, I mean it.

Before you could get anything else out, he was replying quick.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** I know you do.  And I’m serious.  Not for a second have you ever been fake with me, and I really appreciate it.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** I appreciate you.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** I don’t mean to get all serious, but I thought about you more than once while I was at Tufts.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Just know that no matter what happens, I’ll always be there for you, too.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** You’re important to me.

The typing box appeared once more but then disappeared very quickly after. Your mind was quick to fill in an ‘I love you’ gap. But that was stupid. He was just really happy to be home. He was feeling good. And his adventure had taken a good toll on him. He’d come back more complete than when he’d left. That was all. He wasn’t trying to make some grand confession.

No matter how much you wished he would.  
You’d fallen asleep next to him, did homework next to him (at least let him copy yours after) for years, had gone to football games and spent hours at night getting wasted and listening to good music. It had hurt to see him spiral like he had, and now that he was back and seemingly happier than ever, all you could feel was good. Proud of him. Happy for him.

And you also wished you could misconstrue that he’d thought about you while he was gone. That he’d missed you. More than just as friends.

Your silence seemed to overwhelm him.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Shit, like, I didn’t mean to totally blow a serious load all over both of us?  It kinda just popped out.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Not that I don’t mean all of it, because I still do.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** That’s okay, Danny. It was nice! I just didn’t really know what to say that wouldn’t make me look like a lameass.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Oh, I see.  I’m the only one that gets to do that, huh??

You couldn’t help the grin and giggle that fell so easily out of you.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Yeah! At least that hasn’t changed!

Briefly you regretted typing this. You didn’t want him to think you were upset that he left, or that he’d come back different. It was definitely a good different. The kind you wanted. But before you could get anything else out, he’d started typing, too, and entered before you.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Good to know!  
**MazelTovCocktail:** But um.  I’m serious.  Alright?  I know I don’t get serious often, but now’s a good a time as any.

He’d laid it all out there for you, the least you could do was pay him back in kind. No matter what awkwardness that would leave between the two of you.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** I missed you. A lot. And I’m really happy you found what you needed. And I’m really proud of you that you’re gonna do the music thing. That’s what you’re meant for. I just know it. So I’ll buy all your CDs and shirts and pins and whatever else. Even when you’re a huge rock star and you don’t need me anymore.

It took mere seconds for him to reply.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** I’ll always need you.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** You buy my CDs and I’ll buy your books.  Deal?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Deal.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Good.  Now I gotta lie down.  I’m jetlagged to hell.  But let’s get coffee tomorrow.  Come wake me up whenever, alright?    
**DreamedIntoLife:** Yeah, sounds cool. Sweet dreams.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** You, too, baby.

Before either of you could really think on the added petname, the sound of the cyber door shutting broke the spell. You sat there for a long while with the dumbest smile on your face. You couldn’t have any way of knowing, but you pretended that Dan was doing the same.

Lucky for you, he was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck it up. Fuck it all up.

Coffee was had the next morning. Dan was sleepy but more than happy to sit down at the campus cafe and talk about all the things he’d seen and done in the French Alps. You’d been more than delighted to sit opposite him and listen with a smile. Neither of you talked about what was said last night. It didn’t really seem important. You both understood what it had meant. At least you thought you did. But the less it got talked about, which was exactly zero times, over the next couple of months, the more you wondered if it had been important at all. Or if it was important enough to bring up again.

Classes came and went. Papers and homework were done and turned in. Dan found his way back into some sort of groove of trying to buckle down so he could get his degree on time and get the fuck out. You were trying, too, for the most part. But bumping shoulders in the hallway and spending some sleepy nights together studying made it harder not to... ‘fall for him’ felt wrong. But at the same time that was exactly how it felt. He just seemed uninterested. Which was what made it harder.

He’d said you were important. And whenever you asked to go get some food or to just chill, he always made himself available. You did the same. You were good friends.  
...was it wrong to want more than that?  
Possibly. And trying anything else could have meant losing him entirely. If he had been interested, wouldn’t he have said anything else by now? Probably, right?

Or perhaps not?  
Dan seemed not to have the best luck with women. Or the most ease talking to the ones that weren’t already his friends. He got tongue-tied around girls he thought were really pretty. Seemed to have no charm that wasn’t goofy. He was a very decent man but just not... suave. Which was fine. Really, that’s why you liked him. It just made him more relatable. Easier to love. Knowing he couldn’t even pretend to fake his way through being sweet-tongued, and he never seemed to have any ill intentions one way or the other.

But that meant then, you thought, you’d just always be friends. And at two in the morning on a Wednesday night, you were mulling that over. Just friends. It would be great, just friends. To always have him in your life like that. But...  
But...

You eyed your buddy list.  
He was on but away.  
For the best. It wasn’t a good idea, to say any of the things in your head. Any of your wants that he seemed not to share. For the best. For the best...

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Hey, you around?

Yet there you were, doing the dumbest thing ever. Your stomach was twisting into knots. This was wrong. Hopefully he’d just left his computer on and he was snoozing away in bed. His away message prompted on screen.

_A thousand years have come and gone but time has passed me by. Stars stopped in the sky, frozen in an everlasting view. Waiting for the world to end, weary of the night. Praying for the light. Prison of the lost._

You recognized the Rush lyrics almost immediately, if only because of him. The status was new, although it wouldn’t be the first time he’d picked Rush to fill in for him while he was away. His statuses were always lyrics. Changed almost every day. Probably whatever song he’d had stuck in his head at the time.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Yeah.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Gotta warn you though.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** I’m just a tiny bit baked.  

There was a soft fondness in the roll of your eyes. Though he’d promised to get his act together, and god bless him he was really trying hard, the fact that he still couldn’t give up smoking- on a Wednesday night no less- was just such a Danny thing to be doing. But thankful nonetheless you were, because it gave you an out.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Oh, no worries. Enjoy your high. Didn’t mean to bother you.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Not bothering me.  What’s up?

This, too, was very like him. Willing to put the rest of it aside to see if you were alright. If it was only a ‘tiny bit baked’ he probably had all of his faculties about him. Maybe just enough to enjoy whatever garbage snacks he had lying around and feel music a little bit more. Nothing that would carry him well into tomorrow afternoon. This was a problem for you, though.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** I dunno. Was just thinking, I guess.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Everything alright?

You didn’t know how to proceed. What you really wanted to do. Pursuing anything romantic seemed dangerous and entirely too frivolous. Dan had pretty much made it clear with his indifference to anything other than friendship that he wasn’t interested in the same way you were. But... then again.. had you really given him anything to work with? Maybe if he knew...

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Yeah.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** It’s just  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Tommy asked me out and wants an answer by tomorrow. And I don’t know how I feel about it.

This was a bad cover at best, and a really shitty way of trying to dig out if he felt anything else about you other than the just-friends state you seemed to be frozen in. It was the truth, however.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Sounds like you feel like no.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Is that the one in Philopohy?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** philosophy*  
**DreamedIntoLife:** The one that sits in the back and scoffs at everything, yeah. That’s Tommy.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Dude’s a real meathead.  Wouldn’t think he’s your style.

This seemed promising. You weren’t sure why. Did Danny think you had a style- or type, he must have meant. You wondered what ‘style’ he thought you liked.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Not that I disagree, but why do you say that?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Because he plays football?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Hey, I like a good game of football.  Not what I meant.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Then??

He typed for a few seconds, then the message disappeared as he no doubt deleted everything. Once, and then again. You wondered what he was struggling with.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** For the same reason you don’t really want to go out with him, yet you’re nervous about telling him no.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** I mean don’t tell him I said so or anything because he’d easily kick the crap out of me in a fight but.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** I’ve seen the way he talks to women.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Not a cool dude, is all.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** As much as you don’t want to, I think I’d like for you not to, too.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** To date him, if that made sense.  Sorry.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Not that I can tell you what to do.

You spent a few seconds rereading all of this. Trying both to read into it and not at the same time. It was hard either way.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Helllloooo??  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Where did you gooo??  
**MazelTovCocktail:** I’m getting looonley...

You’d left him hanging for a little too long and now he was getting anxious. Much more likely to do with the fact that he probably thought he’d upset you.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Sorry. No. I totally agree.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Oh good.  Tell him to fuck off then.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** lol you gonna be there to protect me when I do?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Totally.  I’ll wear a big puffy jacket and stand real straight and frizz my hair out.   I can look intimidating when I want to.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** I mean everyone on campus knows I’m a huge fucking wuss by now anyway but HEY.  I’ll still go.

That meant more than you could really say, that he’d be willing to stand by your side in a situation like that. It wasn’t really like Tommy was going to fly off the handle. You had the sneaking suspicion he was only asking you out to get back at his ex. But Dan didn’t know that. All Dan knew was that you were uncomfortable and he was ready to hold your hand.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** You’re not a wuss. You’re a sweetheart.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Isn’t that the same thing?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** No! Absolutely not!  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Well, in that case, I can be both.  I AM both.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Ugh. You dork. Fine. Have it your way.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Yay!  Wuss-sweetheart-extraordinare at your service.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Doooorrrrk.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** wuss-sweetheart-dork-extraordinare*

At that moment you imagined the both of you were giggling incessantly at your screens. No matter how you spent your time with him, he would get you to laugh without fail. No matter what sort of mood you were in. It was just sort of impossible not to giggle around Danny. Especially when he was doing so himself. But none of this had gotten you anywhere. Being direct still made your gut feel heavy. But now the mood was light and nice. What more could you do to try and pry that hole open?

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Just as well... he probably would have gotten mad that I won’t put out.

Where it came from, you had no idea. But where Dan was lacking in purposeful charm he had quite a different aura in the accidental kind. He was handsome and serene. And you had to imagine if anything would entice him it would be bedroom knowledge.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Hey, I wouldn’t put out for Tommy, either.  No big.

How spectacularly wrong you were. Just like him, too. To be on your side instead of investigative. That wasn’t even the weed talking. What to do...

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Thanks.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Can I ask you a question?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Shoot.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Would you get mad if a girl you were dating didn’t want to put out?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** One: no.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Two: stop saying “put out”.  It’s “make love”.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Oooh, how romantic, Mr. Avidan.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Thank you!

Despite the joking tone of your sentence, you actually did feel a little warm. Already your mind was in eight different places. Every single one of them having to do with a romantic evening of making love with said man in question.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** You’re a pro, huh? You’ve just made ALL the love with ALL the ladies, I bet.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** lol not even one.

He waited no more time than usual to think of and reply to you. The honesty was shocking. For a moment you thought he might be joking. This area of discussion had never come up before, it had never had reason to. You found yourself doubting that this could be true. Sure Dan bumbled around women a little more than necessary, and he seemed to have trouble keeping a steady girl that didn’t have ulterior intentions to break his heart, but never? Not once?

 **DreamedIntoLife:** You’re serious?

Edging into almost graduating college now, Dan had never slept with a single person?

 **MazelTovCocktail:** If you’re about to judge me, then no, I’ve made love to literally ONE MILLION hot ladies.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** No. No judging. Promise.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** In that case, back to my original statement of made love to zero hot ladies.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** ESPECIALLY not Tommy.

A half-snort half-giggle popped right out of you, unable to help yourself. Some people seemed completely different over AIM than they were in person. Sometimes you wondered if you were one of those people. But no matter what form Dan came in, he was always just Dan. So much so that everything that came from him in text format you could hear his voice in your head.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Tommy’s not getting any from either of us. I’m sure he’s very sad.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** He better be!  I’ve been told I’m a hot stud!    
**MazelTovCocktail:** And you’re a very pretty lady!

All at once your cheeks were absolutely burning. Taking the pressure off needed to be done immediately. So you decided to switch right back onto him. At least there was one thing you were curious about.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Aw well, thanks.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** You’re very welcome.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** But how come?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Huh?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** If it’s not too personal or anything. Just. How come you’ve never slept with anyone?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Oh.

This was all he said for a couple of moments. The only answer you got. He tried typing on and off but never sent anything. You waited patiently, hoping he wasn’t about to tell you you weren’t close enough for that sort of information. There never seemed to be anything the two of you hadn’t shared before.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** I’m just waiting for the right person.  I think.

Then this came. Simple. You found yourself smiling lightly.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** That’s sweet.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Yeah, well...  some days it’s really fucking frustrating.  Like I know everyone on planet earth has had sex by now except me.  But it just feels like something worth waiting for.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** I haven’t.

This just came without hesitation. Urged by your need to relate with him and to make him feel better at the same time.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Bullshit.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Honest truth.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** No fucking way.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** You?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Have you seen you?  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Have the guys you’ve dated seen you?

You pooled into your seat a little, stuck there as well in your slight gooeyness. That was twice now that Dan had called you pretty, although this time was a little inadvertently so. It still meant the same thing. Clearly he felt strongly about the idea.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** Guess not?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Just, like, I agree.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Worth waiting for the right person.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Yeah...

This left a little bit of a lull that you didn’t know how to fill right away. For a moment you imagined him sitting back in his seat, one hand in his hair, staring at the screen, eyes glazed over a little. Waiting for you. You were imagining it because that’s exactly what you were doing.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** For what it’s worth, I think the same thing about you, too.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** You’re a catch.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Oh yeah?  Gonna take me down to the ol’ swimmin’ hole and neck?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** lol I’m serious

He didn’t answer, waiting for you to perhaps continue. So you took a breath and let whatever wavering confidence you did have left take you there.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** You’re handsome and sweet and smart and considerate.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** The world is made of Tommys.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** But it could sure use more Dans.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** I’m not trying to make things weird. I guess I am anyway.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Oh well.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Not weird.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Just didn’t know you felt that way.

This put the awkward lurch right up into your chest. You didn’t know if he was going to say something else. Something like ‘sorry you feel that way because I don’t’. It was hard to pick up on his cues when he wasn’t sitting right in front of you. Was he smiling? Or was he frowning? Did he like this or didn’t he?

Your meaner sense of self said he definitely wasn’t into this.  
And so you had to bail.

 **DreamedIntoLife:** What do you mean?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** I tell you this shit all the time.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** One friend can’t compliment another?  
**DreamedIntoLife:** You just called me pretty like eight times.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Same thing, no?

Perhaps coming on a little strong, but making a serious drop of the f-word. Ruining everything. His full two minute silence made you feel awful.

 **MazelTovCocktail:** Yeah.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** In that case, thanks very much.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Can’t say I agree on all fronts but it’s still very kind.

And then before you could even begin to see if there was anything to repair,

 **MazelTovCocktail:** I’m gonna get to bed.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** Can’t afford to miss class tomorrow morning.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Good idea. Me, too.  
**DreamedIntoLife:** Sweet dreams, Danny.  
**MazelTovCocktail:** You, too.

You found yourself fidgeting in your seat. Wondering if you could mend this somehow. You didn’t know what was broken, just that it felt like it was. But just as you typed a last minute call into the box, the sound of the door slamming came over your speakers, and his name went dark.

Everything should have been the same as before you’d spoken that night.  
But it felt so very different now.  
You wished you hadn’t said anything at all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It sucks not having the emotional means to get through things like this. But such is life for a couple of youngsters!! What are you gonna do but get all the dramaz and feel all the sads!! Just don't have enough life tools.

**MazelTovCocktail:** Hey, how come you didn’t walk at graduation?   
_In a world where you never sleep, every day is another fight. You can't live with the old rules, and I can understand. So you run to stay sane._  
 **MazelTovCocktail:** I thought you bought your cap and gown and stuff.   
_In a world where you never sleep, every day is another fight. You can't live with the old rules, and I can understand. So you run to stay sane._

AIM didn’t ping since you were hiding on away, but that wasn’t enough to fool Danny. You saw his chatbox blinking from your spot on the bed, knees pulled up to your chest. You were supposed to be packing. Grades would actually come in soon, and you knew you’d passed, you’d get an actual degree in the mail- wherever you were going. Somewhere. Wherever it was, you were supposed to be packing, but you weren’t. Your roommates had left to go check out their new apartment a town over. The one they were all pitching in on. They didn’t invite you. That was fine. You hated living with them now, living with them in an actually permanent situation seemed like a bad idea.

It still sucked, though.

**MazelTovCocktail:** Don’t make me come down there.   
_In a world where you never sleep, every day is another fight. You can't live with the old rules, and I can understand. So you run to stay sane._  
 **MazelTovCocktail:**...please.  :(   
_In a world where you never sleep, every day is another fight. You can't live with the old rules, and I can understand. So you run to stay sane._

Since your last conversation online a few months ago, you and Dan had pretended things weren’t weird. They were. And you both felt it. The two of you knew there had been something else there, but the two of you also knew, apparently, it wasn’t worth pursuing. At least that’s how it made you feel. It wasn’t all his fault, though. You were the one that had been a coward. Punishing him for it seemed wrong. But you didn’t know what else to do.

Getting up from your bed you dragged yourself to sit at your computer. If you didn’t answer him here he would actually come to the dorm. And that would be even harder to face. You pulled your status off and then stared at the chat box a long while before thinking about what to say.

**DreamedIntoLife:** Sorry, I was packing.

A lie would have to do. It was all you seemed to have left anymore.

**MazelTovCocktail:** Oh, yeah.  I should probably do that, too, at some point, huh?   
**DreamedIntoLife:** Got plans on where you’re going?   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Sort of.  We’re gonna start making music ASAP.  That’ll be up in Edison.    
 **DreamedIntoLife:** Oh, close to your parents’ place?   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Sort of, not really.  But it’ll be worth the drive.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** You didn’t answer me about graduation.

You almost didn’t want to again. You had hoped he would forget about it, or let it go. And you’d been really ready to latch on to the music aspect of his next steps towards his future to get him to not bring it up again. But you’d been too late to do it.

**DreamedIntoLife:** Didn’t matter much.   
**DreamedIntoLife:** Shouldn’t have even wasted money on the stupid stuff.  
 **DreamedIntoLife:** Didn’t have anyone to watch me so it didn’t matter.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** I would’ve watched you.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** You could’ve met my parents, and my sister.  And my grandparents.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Could’ve gone out to dinner!  It would have been really fun!  
 **DreamedIntoLife:** Well I didn’t. So it doesn’t matter.

There was no point in lashing out at him, but it had happened anyway. At least it didn’t seem like yelling over text. You wouldn’t have even yelled it to him if he’d been standing in front of you. Just said it curtly and watched him frown. Now that was all you could think about while the silence hung. That he was wearing one of those awful puppydog frowns in front of his keyboard. Not knowing what to do. Same as you.

**MazelTovCocktail:** Are you okay?   
**DreamedIntoLife:** I’m fine.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** You don’t seem fine.  You seem upset.   
**DreamedIntoLife:** I’m fine, I’m just trying to pack.

This was the lamest excuse that you could come up with, and aside that, it made no sense at all. You were being quick and cutting with him- so really what you were doing there was blaming him for wasting your time. None of this was working. None of it was right. You wished you’d never had that conversation that night. Things would have been fine then. Why did you have to go and do that? Any of it?

**MazelTovCocktail:** Outlaw’s a pretty good song.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Primo choice for an away status.

This came after another period of silence and it got a smile out of you. He always could. It just made you regret fucking things up in the first place. How much easier would finals have been if you could have been studying beside him? If you could have fallen asleep in his dorm instead of struggling to get five minutes of sleep in yours? If you could have gotten coffee with him every morning? Got a little baked at night?

**DreamedIntoLife:** Thanks.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Do you wanna talk about it?

Then he was switching gears again. Once he’d wedged open the gateway just a little, he apparently thought he could just push himself all the way in. The thing was, though, that you wanted nothing more than to talk to him. But dumping on him felt bad.

**DreamedIntoLife:** There’s too much to talk about.   
**DreamedIntoLife:** And I don’t wanna bother you.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** You’re never bothering me.  And I asked.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Come on, please?  

Taking a deep breath you stared at your screen for a few seconds. Wondering if you should. And then after deciding you might, not knowing where to even start.

**DreamedIntoLife:** Going out with Tommy was a mistake.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Yeah, could have told you that.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Not that I’m judging you or anything!   
**DreamedIntoLife:** You kind of were.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Okay maybe just a little.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** But it came from a good place!

You’d accepted Tommy in some sort of weird angry fog. Angry at yourself. Angry at Danny for letting things happened the way they had. He wasn’t stupid. He’d known what you were trying to say. He shouldn’t have let you pull away- but... it wasn’t his fault. It was yours. You couldn’t blame him for everything.

**DreamedIntoLife:** Yeah, well, he cheated on me.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Shit.  I’m so sorry.   
**DreamedIntoLife:** It’s okay. I knew he was only dating me to get back at Sam anyway.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** That’s absolutely not ok.  Don’t say that.   
**DreamedIntoLife** : I guess.

You waited. He was waiting too; you didn’t know what for. But since you were there about to plop all your troubles on him anyway. And since this was probably the last real conversation you’d have with him, one way or another, for whatever reason you felt that was...

**DreamedIntoLife:** Kinda wish he hadn’t slept with me first to hurt her.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Oh jesus.  Fuck.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** I’m really fucking sorry.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** I’m so sorry.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Tell me what I can do.  Tell me how to help.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** I can’t beat him in a fight, but I’ll take a couple punches if it’s worth telling him what a sack of shit he is.   
**DreamedIntoLife:** It’s okay, Danny. I appreciate it.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** It’s not ok!!

Now he was upset, and it hurt your heart. You shouldn’t have said anything. He didn’t need to feel this way. It had been your own stupid fault. You wanted to wait for someone special. Tommy absolutely had not been someone special. You weren’t even sure you’d wanted to, really. But there was no point in saying that, either. None of it mattered anymore.

**DreamedIntoLife:** Hey, at least one of us isn’t still a virgin, right?

You didn’t know what else to do but try your hardest to lighten the mood. Dan being angry or sad just didn’t sit right with you. It was like the most unnatural thing ever. All he ever did was smile and giggle, especially after coming back. Even when he was mad at homework he still laughed it off. It was wrong to make him feel anything else. Especially on your stupid behalf.

**MazelTovCocktail:** Shit, now I really don’t know what to say.   
**DreamedIntoLife:** That I’m cooler than you?   
**MazelTovCocktail:** No because I’m not, either.

For some reason, some stupid unknown reason, your heart started aching harder than you’d ever felt before. It was really dumb. You couldn’t have expected to be Dan’s first. Just like he hadn’t been yours, now. Because you kept doing stupid things. Stupid, dumb things. But to think that he...

**DreamedIntoLife:** Tommy, too?

What could you do but pretend that this didn’t bother you? Pretend and not let him know, and try to at least make sure his wasn’t as horrible as yours.

**MazelTovCocktail:** Afraid not.  Tommy isn’t my kind of lay.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** It was with a friend of mine.  You don’t know her.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** I um...  I mean I guess I got tired of waiting.  Especially after that last breakup.

One you hadn’t seen him through because you were determined to be the most idiotic person on the planet. Maybe if you had it would have been you and not this other girl. Stupid, dumb, stupid...

**DreamedIntoLife:** Oh yeah? Did you have a good time?   
**MazelTovCocktail:** Yeah.  It wasn’t romantic or anything.  I mean I guess not TOO romantic.  
 **MazelTovCocktail:** Making love is kind of hard NOT to get romantic with, you know?   
**MazelTovCocktail:** But we did it as friends.  And I had a great time.   
**DreamedIntoLife:** That’s really nice, Dan.   
**DreamedIntoLife:** Now you can leave college and do the rockstar thing and really be prepared.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** I want to laugh at that but I’m just not feeling it right now.   
**MazelTovCocktail:** I’m really fucking sorry I wasn’t there.  I should have been.

He seemed to feel the exact same way. Maybe you two were closer than you thought. Seeing as you were sharing a brain right now. Full of regrets. All the could-have-beens. The I-should-haves.

**DreamedIntoLife:** I’m really sorry, too.

The tears started and there was nothing you could do to stop them. A hitch of breath came first when you tried to clamp it all down and then there they were, coming out with tiny little pathetic sobs. Reaching up, you covered your face with your hands, as if hiding your shame from someone that couldn’t even see you. This seemed all so messed up and there was no real way to fix it. And it was over now, anyway. School was over. You’d probably never see him again.

It was all fucked up, you’d lost a very good friend out of it. Maybe if you’d at least tried to be confident with him things could have worked out. You could have even been dating, who knows? It would have been so much better than what was happening now. A slow fade. In a year from now he’d probably be really famous. And you wouldn’t talk anymore. You’d barely say hi on AIM and that would be that.

His messages kept pinging but you were too bogged down in your worthlessness to look up and see what he was saying. They came at regular intervals one after the other until stopping completely. Before you had any time to look at what you were ignoring, you heard a few knocks on the door right next to the desk and then before you could even think about locking it or telling whoever it was to go away, there he was.

Moving to take a knee beside your desk chair and wrapping his arms around you. You’d never felt safer or worse in your entire life as you tucked your head under his chin. “Hey, hey- it’s gonna be alright- I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’m such a huge fucking idiot. I don’t know why I let it get like this. I don’t know why I put you through this shit. I’m so fucking sorry.”

There was a swell of relief, being able to hear that soft voice right next to your ear, a little rumble on your skin as you laid close to his throat. But all it really served to do was make you cry harder. “It’s- my fault- and I-“

“No, fuck that. That’s garbage. It’s me. I did it. I fucking kept on leading you on and then bailed the fuck out even when I knew you meant what you meant. I’m not an idiot- I mean I am. I’m the biggest fucking idiot on the planet. And I’m so fucking sorry.”

Once you slid out of your seat, he moved back against the wall and you sat on his lap instead, just crying into his shoulder while his arms stayed tight around you. He sounded like he was close to tears but holding on still. And you didn’t know what to say at all. Apparently he knew. He knew just as well as you. You both had done the same things to each other.

And here you were.

“I got scared-“   
“I was scared-“

There would have been something infinitely hilarious about you both admitting this at the same time if it wasn’t so awful. It was terrible. You’d wasted away for months before today just because you two had been frightened of each other.

“I should have just come down here that night. And done this. AIM is fucking- it’s hard- but it’s easy to be a coward when it’s just words. When you can put up away messages and leave and pretend you don’t know the tone. Or especially if you don’t. I don’t know... I don’t know what I’m trying to say- just.. I’m really fucking sorry.” He sounded so hard-pressed. Like he’d been sitting on this for a while. He probably had. Maybe he’d been thinking of saying it over messenger. Rehearsed it a few times.

Instead he was clutching tight to you and you were still crying into his shoulder. “It’s my fault- too- I backed off- and I- stopped hanging out and I- I’m sorry-“

You heard him take a deep breath, felt him rest his head against yours. “I forgive you.” There was a little release of weight in this. But you still felt sour. “I do- and I’m still also really fucking sorry. I’m sorry Tommy did that to you. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Hell I’m- I guess I’m even a little sorry I didn’t ask you to do it with me.” Damn him. Despite everything, this for whatever reason, got a little snort out of you. “I mean you wouldn’t have had a good time or anything but hey it would have been something to remember.”

You were giggling then. Maybe because he was? Or was he laughing because you were laughing? When it died down, “I would have rathered having a bad time with you than a bad time with Tommy.” Trying your best to follow the jokier side of things.

“Shit, really? He sucks in bed, huh? Hasn’t he slept with, like, a hundred women? Isn’t that what he’s always saying?” Slowly he edged back, not enough to let you go, but enough to get a look at you, to reach a hand up to keep you from hiding and start wiping away your tears.

“Yeah, well, that was my first time and even I could tell he was terrible at it. I’m sure you would have been better.” There was an underlying intimacy here, and the thought that you’d thought about it, that made your face feel very hot very quickly.

“I can’t promise that. My friend- I mean, there’s a certain amount of ‘you’re doing great’ you have to say to a guy to get him through something like that. But even I knew she was putting it on a little too thick.” His grin was lopsided and dopey and it made you feel really good.

Despite this grand realization, and the understanding you had a choice- a choice to try and further the path or chicken out, you picked the latter. Because you just couldn’t do anything else. “Yeah, well. I guess we’ll never know.” It was so awful, wanting someone as bad as you wanted Dan. And being unable to do anything about it. The words just died in your mouth and turned into something else entirely. “And- anyway- um. I forgive you, too.” Quickly trying to change the subject.

Luckily, or perhaps unluckily, what had gotten the two of you in this situation in the first place, Dan was as unexperienced and scared, still. “Yeah uh... thanks.” You both gave each other the same look. Wanting the other to do anything but what you were doing.

But no one could be the first.

“Why don’t you um... how about we go upstairs and smoke a little? It’ll make you feel better. I’ll even put on some Jett.” Looking up briefly and then back to you, that dumb little grin came back. “Especially because it looks like you’re totally not getting any packing done.” Calling you on your earlier bullshit.

If your face wasn’t already red, it would have been then. “Yeah. That sounds good.” Accepting was easier. It was something as friends. Something you hadn’t done in a long while and severely missed.

And perhaps something after this you may never get the chance to do again.   
Such is life, for a pair like you.


End file.
